Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

The last few weeks have been full of workshops with discussions on how to lead in the new world. New paradigms, challenges and situations. If you read this newsletter, you have certainly considered adapting. But how has it been going?

Your Leadership Energy Is Like a Candle Flame

In my book, I talk about your leadership energy being like a candle flame. Used well, you can light the way for others and provide warmth. Perhaps you can light fires in others to help them achieve their best. Misused, you can set things on fire or worse, burn people. This balance is crucial to avoiding the self-sabotage that often plagues leaders.

The idea of this little flickering flame also applies inside you. It needs balance to provide light and warmth (self-validation) but you don't want it to be burning too bright and consuming energy for too long (burnout and frustration). Often, a fixed mindset or limiting beliefs can cause this flame to burn out of control.

Are you burning bright, or are you burning out through needless actions and thoughts which aren't serving you?

The Doubts That Get in the Way First

Before we even get to named frameworks, it is worth naming the raw experience. Many leaders I work with spend considerable energy wondering whether they are genuinely qualified to be in the room, whether their thinking is worth sharing, or whether success so far has simply been luck. Dr Harold Hillman's book The Imposter Syndrome is useful reading for anyone struck by anxiety about being "found out" as a sham or occupying a role they feel they shouldn't be in. It is a more common experience than most senior people admit, and it quietly drains the flame.

The question worth sitting with is not whether the doubt exists. It almost certainly does. The question is whether you are letting it make decisions for you.

Who You Spend Time With Matters

One of the most practical observations on this comes from a simple idea: you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If you want to think and act differently, the people around you need to reflect the standard you are aiming for. That means actively seeking out people who have tried, failed and succeeded in the territory you are navigating, rather than defaulting to those who confirm your existing ceiling.

This is not about networking for its own sake. It is about being deliberate with whose thinking you absorb and whose doubts you allow to land.

Recognising Your Saboteurs

The question turns to where your energy is being used. These are saboteurs for your style. We often see this manifest as procrastination or intense negative self-talk.

I came across an amazing tool called Positive Intelligence as I have been looking at this topic with leaders, and I wanted to invite you to gain some value. Understanding the Self-Sabotage Cycle is key to breaking free from these patterns.

How to Start: A Simple Three-Step Process

1. Take the free assessment to find out which are your saboteurs. I just think it's a great way of gaining insight to start a conversation. (My top saboteur is The Stickler.) This exercise builds personal accountability and encourages a growth mindset.
2. Once you get the report, understand the impact it might be having on your flame.
3. Take personal responsibility for these thoughts. That is the first step toward overcoming cognitive distortion and building self-esteem.

Practices That Help

Beyond the Positive Intelligence framework, a number of practical habits make a genuine difference when the inner noise gets loud.

• Mindfulness and self-compassion. Noticing the thought without immediately acting on it creates a small but important gap.
• Positive affirmations used deliberately, not as wallpaper. Replacing a specific limiting belief with a specific counter-statement is more useful than generic encouragement.
• Embracing vulnerability as a component of resilience rather than a weakness to be managed. Brené Brown's work in Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection explores this in depth.
• Choosing your environment carefully. The people, conversations and inputs you expose yourself to daily either reinforce the saboteur or crowd it out.

When Self-Sabotage Runs Deeper

While Positive Intelligence is a great tool, deep-seated self-sabotage can sometimes stem from imposter syndrome, perfectionism, or a profound fear of failure. If these behaviours are causing severe anxiety or depression, it may be helpful to explore cognitive behavioural therapy to support managing negative self-talk and reclaiming your leadership energy.

Where to Take This Next

If your leaders second-guess themselves on the calls that matter most, that is friction in the system rather than a lack of effort. Take the Leadership Friction Finder and see where the drag actually sits. It takes a few minutes.

If you would rather keep reading, here are more articles on leadership mindset.