Why Tough Conversations Go Wrong and How to Fix That

Most leaders know they need to have a tough conversation far sooner than they actually have it. The delay costs them: engagement drops, results slip, and the problem quietly gets worse. The reason people put it off is simple. They don't know how it's going to go, and that uncertainty is uncomfortable.

That discomfort is not a character flaw. Neuroscience tells us that tough conversations trigger the same fight, flight or freeze response in both parties. You can feel it yourself, and the person across the table from you can feel it too. The good news is that with the right approach, these conversations become far less fraught and far more productive. The skill is learnable, and it does get easier with practice.

The Gallery Mindset

In reality, as a leader, you are probably going to be having more of these conversations than most, but that doesn't necessarily make them easier. Probably the biggest single piece of advice we can offer is to focus on trying to imagine that the problem or issue necessitating the tough conversation is a painting in a gallery, and that you and the other person in the tough conversation are both looking at the painting on the wall together, trying to understand and interpret it, before making a plan to solve it.

This approach works better than the demonisation or blame game, which can be where many tough conversations can end up.

The Four Directions a Tough Conversation Can Go

To help you with your planning, we have identified the four common directions a conversation might head that could catch you off guard when the other person reacts like this. Forewarned is forearmed.

Diminish

Sounds like: "This isn't a problem, or it's not as serious as you are making out." Diminishers are often unable to accept the responsibility or magnitude of the situation you are concerned about. This can mean you need to have more facts and figures to hand in order to lay out the impact of what you are talking about.

Disengage

Sounds like: "This isn't my problem," or a shrug and silence. Often, people can respond this way if they are naturally introverted or their fight or flight response is to freeze. The key to planning for this response is in the early steps of the conversation where you clearly outline that this is a conversation to understand more about the situation and that you would like their perspective.

Distraction

Sounds like: "You might want to talk about this, but look at this thing over here which we should be focusing on." Distractors like to prevent your conversation from having focus. They survive by starting fires elsewhere which draw attention away from the issues at hand. Often they are extremely practised at it and have survived for a long time by distracting.

Deflection

Sounds like: "This is your fault, or someone else's fault, or anyone else's fault but mine." You will probably see this response if your organisation has a blame culture or if the other party is feeling defensive. You will hear the word "but" used a lot. They will seek to not accept their responsibility in the situation. Dealing with deflection relies on affirming questions that clarify their involvement.

Why a Framework Makes All the Difference

Whilst knowing that these four directions might come up whilst you are having your tough conversations is useful, they can still catch you off guard. This is why having a framework you can follow can significantly reduce your anxiety about doing them, and create positive results from them.

If you'd like some support with your approach to Tough Conversations without all the trial and error, or the anxiety that goes with them, please reach out and we'd love to help.

Want to see how this works with your managers? Here is how I work with GMs.

Speak soon,

Jimmy

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